IRISH JOKES

    

 

 

 

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
 


A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"  
 
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am.  But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian ?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

 

 

The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

 

 

 
 
  
 
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses 500 euros on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Someone got's to tell Paddy's wife.. Who will it be?' 
 
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one.. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. 
 
'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.' 
 
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. 
 
Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost 500 Euros, and is afraid to come home' 
 
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife... 
 
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
 
 
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp. 
 'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender. 
 
'Micheal O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy. 
 
'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.' 
 
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.' 
 
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand yerself?' 
 
That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.' 
 
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. 
 
A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?' 
 
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the Irishman. 
 
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.' 
 
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile. 
 
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?' 
 
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs Paddy. 'For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'
 
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. 
 
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?' 
 
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.' 
The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?' 
 
She says, 'That he did, Father.' 
 
The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?' 
 
She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun....'
 
AND THE BEST FOR LAST . . .
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. 
 
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.  Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. 
 
The drunk mumbles, 'No use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.'
     

 


 
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
 
meeting and couldn't find a parking place.   Looking up to heaven he said,
 
'Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass
 
every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
 
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
 
Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

 

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this.   You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes.   I thought you were getting a group together to go right now

 

Paddy was in  New York

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.   The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.'   Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
 

 

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column 20 that he had died.   He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney.   'Where are ye callin' from?'
 
An Irish priest is driving down to  New York   and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'
 

 

 
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch!   What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
 
Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.   A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.   He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
 
 
 
 
 

 

 
 

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