I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair; but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Kelli.
Went to our local bar with my girlfriend last night. Locals were
shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend
is 24 and I'm 63. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
The cost of living has got so bad that my wife is having sex with me
because she can't afford batteries.
A man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says,
"How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the
ironing is piling up!"
The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a barstool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite
"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year,
"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history,
"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and
"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.
"It's the only way that Jim gets a chance to drive."
I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"
He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,
"That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"
"Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next crap could spell disaster.
Went out last night and got really wasted.
I woke up this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring and farting ... so, at least I got home OK.
The wife's back on the warpath again.
She was up for making a home video last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"No, just here for a few days."
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams:
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.
Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.
I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
Then I remembered - the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.
"Jesus Loves You."
Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.
Got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a Muslim sneaking through next door's garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.
He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
Astonished, I got back into bed.
My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen!" I said, "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."
A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says:
"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit"
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
*Son: "Dad, we're learning about prisms at
school, they're fascinating."*
*Dad: "That's good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you're bound
to end up in one."*
Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few
days later the doctor 'phones and says "Paddy, you realise you've got sugar
Paddy says, "Nice one, when do I fight him?"
*It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I've
turned myself around and that's what it's all about.*
A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD.
Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that's when it all
Paddy caught his wife having an affair and decided to kill her and
himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his wife and says "Don't
laugh, your next!!"
An Irishmen wanting to become a priest went to see the Bishop who said "You
must answer three questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?"
"That's easy" he said "Popeye kicked the shit out of them!!"
*Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the
school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."His Dad replies
"Never mind son, maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"*
Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women, the prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
Three weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "But it shouldn't be long now though, her clothes arrived
In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the
head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my laptop's
been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother.
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I
endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his
presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds
needed to honour it..
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas
I personally answer your telephone calls and letters,--- when I try to
contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer
be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you
Be aware that it is an OFFENCE under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your
chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but
in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public figure, and the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities)
must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a
PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my
account balance on your phone banking service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
computer is required.
Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that
Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 to 9
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a
lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client..
Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first
place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.
Go ahead laugh, as you can see I’ve used large letters so you can see and I wrote it real slow cause I know you don’t read fast.
Subject: Stop laughing, we are all seniors
Garage Door. The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing
his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said,
'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told
her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.
He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door
was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting
on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years
old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I t hink I just wet my pants.'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Do I know her?'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'
' Twelve thirty..'
Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
One more. . ..!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Now, before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh.
Subject: Politically correct
As it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, try this one:
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club.
The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai. "
A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated. Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army.
Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.
The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears.'
The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.
The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better. The General then asked him the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' He replied sheepishly, 'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The General threw him out also.
The third interview was with a old Sergeant Major, an Infantryman and staff-trained NCO. He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers combined.
The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, 'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.'
The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.' He asked, 'Sergeant Major, how do you know I wear contacts?' 'Well, sir,' the soldier replied, 'it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f*****g ears.'