AWFUL JOKES

 

 

 

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair; but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Kelli.

 

Went to our local bar with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 63. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
     

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

 

The cost of living has got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
        

 A man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
        

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a barstool.

 

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the
hip.  I'm John, he's Jim.  Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

 

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite
conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

 

"Off to England next month," says John.  "We go to England every year,
rent a car and drive for miles.  Don't we, Jim?"  Jim agrees.

 

"Ah,  England!" says the bartender.  "Wonderful country... the history,
the beer, the culture..."

 

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John.  "Hamburgers and
Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English -
they're so arrogant and rude."

 

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

 

"It's the only way that Jim gets a chance  to drive."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                  I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.

I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"

He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."

Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,

"That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"

"Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."

________________________________________

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.

My next crap could spell disaster.

________________________________________

Went out last night and got really wasted.

I woke up this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring and farting ... so, at least I got home OK.

________________________________________

The wife's back on the warpath again.

She was up for making a home video last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

________________________________________

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?

"No, just here for a few days."

________________________________________

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams:

"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,

"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."

________________________________________

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.

Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

________________________________________

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.

Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.

So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.

________________________________________

I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.

I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.

Then I remembered - the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.

________________________________________

"Jesus Loves You."

Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.

________________________________________

Got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.

________________________________________

I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a Muslim sneaking through next door's garden.

Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.

Astonished, I got back into bed.

My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"

"You'll never believe what I've just seen!" I said, "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."

________________________________________

A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says:

"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit"

The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"

"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

 

 

 

 

 

London cab driver's answer to a request from a Muslim to turn off the radio. (You just got to love the Brits.) 
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, esp ecially Western music which is the music of the infidel. 

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. 

The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?" 

The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel.."
 
 


 

 
*Son: "Dad, we're learning about prisms at
school, they're fascinating."*
*Dad: "That's good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you're bound
to end up in one."*
 
 
Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few
days later the doctor 'phones and says "Paddy, you realise you've got sugar
diabetes."
Paddy says, "Nice one, when do I fight him?"
 
*It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I've
turned myself around and that's what it's all about.*
 
A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD.
Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that's when it all
kicked off!
 
Paddy caught his wife having an affair and decided to kill her and
himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his wife and says "Don't
laugh, your next!!"
 
 
An Irishmen wanting to become a priest went to see the Bishop who said "You
must answer three questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?"
"That's easy" he said "Popeye kicked the shit out of them!!"
 
 
 
*Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the
school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."His Dad replies
"Never mind son, maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"*
 
Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women, the prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
Three weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "But it shouldn't be long now though, her clothes arrived
yesterday!!
 
In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the
head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old
escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my laptop's
been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother.
 
 

 

 

              

   I NO COME WOK TODAY !'
           Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come wok.'
           The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.  
      Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at wok soon........You got nice house' .

 

 

 

 

 


Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent  to a bank by an 86 year
old woman.
The bank manager thought it  amusing enough to have it published in the
Times.

Dear  Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with  which I
endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

By my  calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his 
presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds 
needed to honour it..

I refer, of course, to the automatic  monthly deposit of my entire
pension, an arrangement which, I  admit, has been in place for only
eight years.

You are to be  commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for  debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience  caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in  which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial  ways. I noticed that whereas
I personally answer your telephone calls  and letters,--- when I try to
contact you, I am confronted by the  impersonal, overcharging,
pre-recorded, faceless entity which your  bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal  with a flesh-and-blood
person.

My mortgage and loan repayments  will therefore and hereafter no longer
be automatic, but  will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed
personally and  confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you
must  nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENCE under the Postal Act  for any other
person to open such an envelope.

Please find  attached an Application Contact which I require your
chosen employee  to complete.  I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but
in order that I  know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me, there is  no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her  medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public figure,  and the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income,  debts, assets and liabilities)
must be accompanied by documented  proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your  employee with a
PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with  me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,  again, I have
modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my
account balance on your phone banking  service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of  flattery.

Let me level the playing field even  further.

When you call me, press buttons as  follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON  FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To  query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my  mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my  computer, a password to access my
computer is required.
Password  will be communicated to you at a later date to that
Authorized Contact  mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 to 9

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering  service. While this may, on occasion, involve a
lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new  arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client..

And  remember:

Don't  make old people mad.  We don't like being old in the first
place, so  it doesn't take much to piss us off.

 

Go ahead laugh, as you can see I’ve used large letters so you can see and I wrote it real slow cause I know you don’t read fast.


Subject: Stop laughing, we are all seniors

Garage Door. The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing
his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.  His assistant walked up to him and said,
'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told
her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled  by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.
He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door
was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.. 


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting
on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years
old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' 
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I t hink I just wet my pants.'


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 
'So I hear you're getting married?' 
'Yep!' 
'Do I know her?' 
'Nope!' 
'This woman, is she good looking?' 
'Not really.' 
'Is she a good cook?' 
'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 
'Does she have lots of money?' 
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 
'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 
'I don't know.' 
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 
'Because she can still drive!' 


Three old guys are out walking. 
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' 
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' 
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'


A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.' 
'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?' 
' Twelve thirty..' 


Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. 
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. 
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' 
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' 
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'



One more. . ..! 

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. 
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.' 


Now, before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Subject: Politically correct

As it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, try this one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club.

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai. "
 


 

 


 
It was Christmas Eve and a couple were doing their last minute shopping when her husband disappeared.  
 
She phoned hi on his mobile and said, “Where are you?”  
 
 In a calm voice he replied, Darling remember the jewellery shop we went in 5 years ago and you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn’t afford at the time, and I said one day I would get it for you? 
 
Her eyes filled with tears.  “Yes, I remember”, she said. 
 
 “Well I’m in the pub next door to that!”
 


 

 

 

A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated. Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army.
 Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.
The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears.'
 

The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.
 The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better. The General then asked him the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' He replied sheepishly, 'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The General threw him out also.
 

The third interview was with a old Sergeant Major, an Infantryman and staff-trained NCO. He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers combined.

The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' To his surprise the Sergeant Major said,  'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.'
 

The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.' He asked, 'Sergeant Major, how do you know I wear contacts?' 'Well, sir,' the soldier replied, 'it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f*****g ears.'

 

 

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....  


I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train.
He was chuffed to bits.  


I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 bearers walking about with a coffin,
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!  


A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour,
but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do."  


My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!
Bollocks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.  


Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.  


Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield ,
3.1415927 people dead  


I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.
"Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a pee."  

I start a new job in Seoul next week.
I thought it was a good Korea move.  


The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
From next week, all the forms will be printed in English only.  


On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' -
I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in Britain ?'
 
 

 
 
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I went into town and visited a shop. 

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.  I called him an “asshole”.  He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Mary called him a “shit head”.  He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.
 
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. 

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. 

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

It's important at our age.
 
 
 
 
 

 
 Fancy Dress


A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy
dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and
his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company and explains his
problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and with your wooden leg, you will be just
right as a Pirate. The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes
his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint..

A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's
habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald
head you will really look the part. The man is really incandescent
with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden
leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really
strong letter of complaint..

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the
accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the
tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head and let it harden, then stick
your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

                 --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of
10 glorious years.

After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She
had been shot dead!

Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided
that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady
eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought
her back to the nest.

The sex was good but all the dove would say is .......... 'I am a DOVE,
I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest
and flew off once more to find a mate..

He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest.. Again
the sex was good but all the loon would say is........

'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out
with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck
and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great,
but all the duck would say was.....







NO, The duck didn't say THAT !


... Don't be SO disgusting!



The duck said....


'I am a DRAKE,
You made a MISTAKE!!



              --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 
        Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day.

        At the same street corner he passed a hooker standing there every day.


       He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
        "One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.
      
        "No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of His mouth, just to shut her up.


        This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
        She'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!"
        He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
      
        One day, Camilla decided to accompany her 'husband'. 
      
        As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
        He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife
        As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual.
        Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass. 

        Then, the hooker yelled:
        "See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!"   
 
 

                                                    

Dating in the1960's


It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1964, and Fred had a date with Peggy.


He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Peggy's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.

'Have a seat in the living room.
Would you like something to drink?
Lemonade? Iced tea?'

'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mum brought the iced tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.

'Oh, probably catch a film, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at
the Berni Inn, maybe take a walk on the beach..'

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.

'Really?' Fred replied, his eyebrows rising.

'Oh yes,' the mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do! Screw, again and again !!'

'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.
'Yes,' said the mother.'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternative plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hooped skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.
She greeted Fred.

'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

Two hours later, a completely dishevelled Peggy burst into the house and slammed the
front door behind her.

'The Twist, Mum!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.

'The bloody dance is called the Twist !!!

 

 

'The bloody dance is called the Twist !!!'

 

Subject: FW: Taliban dilemma
 
 
 
 
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot infidel!  I do not need such an over-priced, western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water!

"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5."

"Pahh! Allah curse you and your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny neck and choke the life out of you but..... I must conserve my energy and find water!"

"Okay," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me OR that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel.  I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant.  It has the finest food and all the ice cold water you need.... Go in peace."

Cursing him, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie!

 
 
 

 

 
 
 
 
The Blonde Pilot..
 
 
                                                                          
 
                                    
This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.
And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud  and clear. I will talk you through this and
Get you back on the ground.  I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
'Now, just take a deep breath.  Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position." 

She says,  "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O. K." says the voice on the radio....   "Repeat after me:   Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. . . ...."
 
 
 
An oldie, but worth another airing!
 ----------------------------------------------------
 
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an asylum seeker claimant outside the Social Security Offices.
"My good man" the fairy said
'I've been told by David Cameron to grant you three wishes, since you've just arrived in England with your wife and seven children – all costs to be borne by the British Tax Payers.'

The man told the fairy:
'Well, in Iraq where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and
-- PING !!! The Asylum Seeker had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go'.

The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three car garage on the Coast with eight bedrooms – and a Gold Visa Card in each room - for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in Iraq; I want to bring them all over here.

PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.

'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.

The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant really decided to go for broke now and said “I want to be English with English clothes instead of the rags and shawl , and I want to have white skin like the English.'

PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn-out trainers, a dirty Man Utd T-shirt and a greasy baseball hat. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where’s my Visa Gold Card?'
The fairy said
'Tough luck. Now that you are English,
You're entitled to
Sweet f*** all like the rest of us”.
And she disappeared.
 
 

 

 

> Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.
>
>
> After being in a coma for nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant.
>
> Frantically she asked the doctor about her baby.
>
> The doctor replied, “You had twins, a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. However they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately, so your brother Paddy came in and named them.”
>
> The woman thought to herself, ‘Oh suffering Jesus no, not me brother. He's a clueless idiot! ‘
>
> Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, “Well, what's my daughter's name?”
>
> “ Denise .” said the doctor.
>
> The new mother was somewhat relieved and thought
> to self, ‘Wow, that's a really beautiful name. I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like Denise .'
>
> Then she asked, “So what's the boy's name then?”
>
> The doctor replied : “Denephew.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Silence in Court

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant,

"You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."    
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"    
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."  
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"       
The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom.
Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes,

but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt.  Is that understood?"  
Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that asshole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one.. “

 

 

 

 

 

 

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.

 

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone

and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart, it's Eric, I'm on the train."

 

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting."

 

"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office, it was with the boss."

 

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life."

 

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart."

 

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.

 

When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,

"Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

 

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

 


 

 

 

NOMINATED THE BEST JOKE OF THE YEAR

A Romanian arrives in London as a new immigrant to the United Kingdom.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Englishman, for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, Income Support,

free medical care, and a free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Egyptian."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in England."
The person says, "I not English, I am Pakistani."
The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says,
"Thank you for wonderful country England!"
That person puts up his hand and says,
"I am from Afghanistan. I am not British."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks,
"Are you an Englishwoman?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa."
Puzzled, he asks her,
"Where are all the English?"
The African lady checks her watch and says,
"Probably at work."


IF YOU DON'T PASS THIS ON TO YOUR FRIENDS, BY TOMORROW, 
YOU WILL RECEIVE THREE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ABSOLUTELY FREE.

 

 

 

 


 

Why am I Divorced? 

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very

well waking up on that morning.
 
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.
 
As it turned out,
he barely said good morning,
let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
 
I thought...... well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids.... they will remember.
 
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfasts
and didn't say a word..
 
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
 
As I walked into my office,
my handsome Boss Rick, said,
'Good Morning, lady,
and by the way
Happy Birthday! '
 
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.
 
I worked until one o'clock ,
when Rick knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
it's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me....'
 
I said, 'Thanks, Rick,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go!'
 
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
He chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
 
On the way back to the office,
Rick said, 'You know,
it's such a beautiful day...
we don't need to go straight back to the office,
do we?'
 
I responded, 'I guess not.
What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place,
it's just around the corner.'
 
After arriving at his house,
Rick turned to me and said,
If you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
 
He went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
he came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ....
followed by my husband
my kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
 
And I just sat there....
 
On the couch......


Naked. 

 

    

 

"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"...the woman

asked her husband.

"No"...said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons

of her blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by

a soft, silky push-up bra..and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her ...and smiled approvingly.

"Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"... she then asked her husband?

"Uh...no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and

seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a

crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.


He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill... and started breathing a
little quicker with anticipation.

"Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... and excited).

"Well go look in the garage!"...she said.

 

 

 

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