A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train.
He was chuffed to bits.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 bearers walking about with a coffin,
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour,
but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do."
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!
Bollocks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield ,
3.1415927 people dead
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.
"Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a pee."
I start a new job in Seoul next week.
I thought it was a good Korea move.
The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
From next week, all the forms will be printed in English only.
On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' -
I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in Britain ?'
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Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an “asshole”. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So Mary called him a “shit head”. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age.
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Fancy Dress
A man with a bald head and a
wooden leg is invited to a Xmas
fancy
dress party. He doesn't know
what to wear to hide his head
and
his wooden leg, so he writes to
a fancy dress company and
explains his
problem.
A few days later he receives a
parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's
outfit. The spotted handkerchief
will
cover your bald head and with
your wooden leg, you will be
just
right as a Pirate. The man is
offended that the outfit
emphasizes
his disability, so he writes a
letter of complaint..
A week passes and he receives
another parcel and note:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel.
Please find enclosed a monk's
habit. The long robe will cover
your wooden leg and with your
bald
head you will really look the
part. The man is really
incandescent
with rage now, because the
company has gone from
emphasizing his wooden
leg to drawing attention to his
bald head. So he writes a really
strong letter of complaint..
A few days later he gets a very
small parcel from the company
with the
accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of
Golden Syrup. We suggest you
pour the
tin of Golden Syrup over your
bald head and let it harden,
then stick
your wooden leg up your arse and
go as a toffee apple.
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Well one day Harry the Eagle
waited at the nest for Mary, his
darling of
10 glorious years.
After a while when she didn't
return he went looking and found
her. She
had been shot dead!
Harry was devastated, but after
about six minutes of mourning he
decided
that he must get himself another
mate, but since there weren't
any lady
eagles available he'd have to
cross the feather barrier.
So he flew off to find a new
mate. He found a lovely dove and
brought
her back to the nest.
The sex was good but all the
dove would say is .......... 'I
am a DOVE,
I want to love! I am a DOVE, I
want to love!'
Well this so got on Harry's
nerves so he kicked the dove out
of the nest
and flew off once more to find a
mate..
He soon found a very sexy loon
and brought her back to the
nest.. Again
the sex was good but all the
loon would say is........
'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I
am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So
out
with the loon.
Once more he flew off to find a
mate. This time he found a
gorgeous duck
and he brought the duck back to
the nest. This time the sex was
great,
but all the duck would say
was.....
NO, The duck didn't say THAT !
... Don't be SO disgusting!
The duck said....
'I am a DRAKE,
You made a MISTAKE!!
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Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day.
At the same street corner he passed a hooker standing there every day.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.
"No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of His mouth, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
She'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided to accompany her 'husband'.
As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife
As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.
Then, the hooker yelled:
"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!"
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Dating in the1960's
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1964, and Fred had a date with Peggy.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
'Oh, come on in!' Peggy's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
'Have a seat in the living room.
Would you like something to drink?
Lemonade? Iced tea?'
'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mum brought the iced tea.
'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.
'Oh, probably catch a film, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at
the Berni Inn, maybe take a walk on the beach..'
'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.
'Really?' Fred replied, his eyebrows rising.
'Oh yes,' the mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do! Screw, again and again !!'
'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.
'Yes,' said the mother.'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternative plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hooped skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.
She greeted Fred.
'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.
Two hours later, a completely dishevelled Peggy burst into the house and slammed the
front door behind her.
'The Twist, Mum!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.
'The bloody dance is called the Twist !!!
'The bloody dance is called the Twist !!!'
Subject: FW: Taliban dilemma
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot infidel! I do not need such an over-priced, western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water!
"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5."
"Pahh! Allah curse you and your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny neck and choke the life out of you but..... I must conserve my energy and find water!"
"Okay," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me OR that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice cold water you need.... Go in peace."
Cursing him, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie!
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This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.
And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and
Get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O. K." says the voice on the radio.... "Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. . . ...."
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